just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
