apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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