Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
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It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
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In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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