i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
