i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Randomize
