You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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