The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
