Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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