loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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