I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
