my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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