Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
