i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
