i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
