Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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