I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Randomize
