i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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