You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
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Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
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I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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