dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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