my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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