last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
