Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then he tried to convert me to islam
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I love you. Go after that dick
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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