Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
