Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i believe in u and ur pee
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
