When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
