Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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