Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
