Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
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And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
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My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
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