Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
