You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
