I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
