I wish I could punch you in the face.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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