So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Randomize
