if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He has the fingertips of a God
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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