6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
