I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
