Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
