I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
