haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
