I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The beer is more important than you right now.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
True strength comes from lack of pants
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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