Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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