worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
