Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
