There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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