I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
