I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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