hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Randomize
