i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
