Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
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