My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
