If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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