my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
