So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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