I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
