i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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