Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
