dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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