I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
