It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
